Long Awaited Update

Several of you have reached out to me asking how my mom is doing. I greatly apologize for not keeping you updated. This post has been a long time coming. I have sat down several times to write, something, anything but could not get it together. I am going to give you what I know, have been witness to and feelings I have. First, a brief update on my family only to help with understanding this update. One year ago my husband and I started to look for a house closer to my parents. The closes we could find was in Buda. I was still in school and my husband worked from home. While not as close as I wanted to be, it was what would work best. Two weeks before we were to close and move into our new home, my husband lost his job of 14 years. We had been so thankful that he seemed to make it through several layoffs over the years. It finally caught up with us. We quickly prayed for answers and direction. I was expecting our fourth child and was just completely feeling lost at where we needed to be. Through this whole thing, I have felt the need to be by my mother's side. She needs me so much. However, I have also felt the pain of having to leave my little ones for days and weeks on end never knowing when I would be back or how many days I would be there for them. My children were struggling; I was struggling. We felt our prayers were answered when my brother offered to let us come live in his empty townhouse. The problem was, it was in Salt Lake City, Utah. We ultimately backed out of our home purchase and decided we needed to head to Utah. The move was not an easy one for any of us. I no longer would be able to spend time with my mom, but would be able to resume my position as full-time mom for my kids. My husband is still seeking employment out here, but we have been provided for. We had presents delivered to our door from strangers that knew not who we were. Meals were brought. People out here, without knowing about the accident, have offered to help as I travel back and forth. Our testimonies have grown and we have finally found a place where I feel we belong; at least for now. To say life has been hard is an understatement. I will say that for me, this move was necessary. I have been able to hold myself together here. I have the distractions in life of being in a new place and creating new memories with my family. I have trouble visiting Texas with all the memories it holds, knowing they will never be again. Since I am so far away now, I don't get updates on my mom very often. I have traveled there to be with her as much as I could. I see her struggles and her pain and it is almost too much. She spends most days in pain. She is on medication for it, but it makes her "loopy" as she would say. She was never one to take medicine, but now cannot live without it. Communication skills have been her main focus for trying, praying, to see improvement. She still cannot speak. She talks, but you have to read her lips. Sadly, I have seen a decline in her abilities. She used to have patience with us as we fumbled through understanding what she had to tell us. She got very good at moving her mouth so we could understand. That ability has decreased. The last time I was there, she would hardly speak to me. She smiled and listened to what I had to say, but would not repeat anything if I did not get it the first time. Occasionally she would work with us on her spelling board, but usually she would just shut her eyes in a sign that she was done. She loves for anyone to read to her. Reading is more like a one-sided conversation for her. She can enjoy it without the obligation to reply. I once asked her if I should setup a meeting at AMD so she could see her work friends. She said "No, not until I can speak." It seemed very hard for her, but I don't think she could handle being among a group of friends and not being understood. She feels your love and prayers. I have passed on all emails I have gotten from you guys. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Several months ago, my mom made a trip to Houston. There is a spinal cord injury hospital there. We heard about a device that acts like a pacemaker but for your diaphram. She went and met with the doctor that invented it. He agreed that she was a perfect candidate for the procedure. The hope was that the pacemaker would trigger breathes without the need for 24 hours a day ventilator support. If she could get stronger again, even if it was a little bit, she would be healthier. Without the dependency of the ventilator, she could learn to eat and talk again. The prospects were so exciting. This seemed to be an answer to our prayers. However, in my visits with her, I have not seen a difference. Another exciting thing for my mom is that she got approved for a computer that works off of eye motion. There are several options on how she can use it. Her eyes still don't focus very well together. They tend to bounce from her injury, especially on the side of her head where she slid the longest. Her eyes get very tired quickly and it is frustrating for her to not be able to do more than a few minutes at a time on it. Again, we had such hope that this would open doors of communication for her. The computer will speak for her. She would have the ability to type with the use of her mouth (opening and closing it to select letters) or her eyes (looking at the letter she wants). Again however, the progress has been very, very slow if any. On my last visit, there was a speech therapist that was going to start coming regularly to help my mom work with the computer. I have told her since she got it that I am waiting for her to send me an email, skype me or call me from it. I am still waiting, but hope someday to be able to speak with her again. My mom is still at home. She has around the clock nursing care and my dad is by her side almost every minute of the day. She is where she wants to be. She gets to enjoy the Texas sunshine almost daily. She loves to be outside. She is generally freezing, not cold but freezing, even if it is hot. Her body cannot regulate itself. Even though she is hot and usually on the verge of a fever, she still thinks she is freezing. Many days the freezing is associated with the pain and her blood pressure. Those things have to be managed every minute so she can stay in a spot of "manageable pain". I know she also longs to be in Utah with all of her family. It is overwhelming to think about how that change might come about. For now, it won't. She has had several visits to the hospital for conditions that are normal for her injury. The main concern is always going to be pneumonia and blood clots. She has suffered from both. I will share some feelings that I have had with you. These are my own, very personal, feelings. My mom is suffering. Not a day goes by that she does not feel the effects of her injury. I see her pain as she cannot hold her grandchildren. As she cannot express love to her children. As she cannot spend time with friends that have meant so much to her in her life. She once told me her great fear is that she will be forgotten. I assured her that she has touched too many lives to be forgotten. I promised her that her grandchildren will know who she is. They will know what she stood for and the qualities she possessed. Through all this, she still smiles. It has gotten to be more forced, but she smiles. She always shows great concern for me and my family when I visit with her. She wants to make sure we are okay. I assure her that I will be okay. I will take the strength I have been given and press forward. She knows, as I know, that she has a purpose on this earth. She chose to return, without a doubt in my mind, she chose. Her work here is not complete and until it is, she will be here. Many nights over my visits I sat with her seeing her pleas to "go home". I know she is tired. I pray every day that she can be spared the pain. I feel that she does not deserve this. I look back over all the good she has done and lives she has touched and it is hard for me. I have never once asked why. I know the why. Everyday I am thankful for the knowledge I have, that she taught me, of this life. We have a loving father in Heaven that wants us to return to him; to be like him. In order for us to obtain such glory, we must go through this life. Every person on this earth had the chance in heaven to decide for him or her self whether it was worth it. If you are here, you decided it was. You agreed to the trials, tribulation and heartache that would come through this earthly experience. My mom knows this. She knows she has a purpose. She knows that this life is about enduring to the end. It is about finding faith, hope and serving others. She believes in our Savior and our Heavenly Father's Plan. I know she will not give up. I know she will fulfill her purpose and then return home to our Heavenly Father. This is her trial. She is strong enough to fulfill her purpose. I don't know what that purpose is, but please make a change for her. If you have been in her life, have witnessed her faith, her strength, her character, her example, please take something from that and make it yours. As I feel that her days are very numbered and that she will not be with us very long, I am making the changes. I will not waste a single day of her suffering. I will fulfill my purpose because that is what she taught me. This life is hard. I regret everyday not taking every opportunity to spend more time with her. I regret not taking more pictures. Not saving more voice mails. Not saving more notes from her. I used to call her cellphone and her office desk just to listen to her voice. I will never forget it, but it is hard. I do not want to turn take this post away from her. I will not share any more about me. Please keep praying for her. Pray for her to have strength. Pray for her to fulfill her purpose. Pray for miracles. Miracles only cease when faith and prayers cease. I once asked for stories, memories, etc from you all. I have those all saved and will be making a book for her grandchildren. They will know that their grandma touched lives of everyone she met. If you ever have any more that you want to share, please email them to prayers4carla@hotmail.com. It will not be a book I put together right now, but when the time is right. Thank you all for your love, for your prayers and support, for meals, for plane tickets, and for just not forgetting her. I apologize again for not finding the strength to give an update. I will try to keep posted what I can and when I can. Also, if you want to see pictures of her, please friend me on facebook. I usually tag her and I get tagged in most pictures posted of her. I will try to get some pictures updated on the blog, but it will be awhile.